S. Claus, a BJT reader, wants us to help him buy a bizliner.
S. Claus, a BJT reader, wants us to help him buy a bizliner.

An Open Letter to the Editors

This month, I’m turning my blog space over to the Business Jet Traveler reader who submitted the following letter.—Jeff Burger

An Open Letter to the Editors of Business Jet Traveler:

My wife and the elves all say I focus too much on pleasing other people and not enough on my own needs. Fair point. So here’s a confession: I’ve been hearing for some time now about how your subscribers zip from city to city on fancy business jets while checking email on Wi-Fi and watching Blu-ray movies. And I’m jealous. Frankly, a man can take only so much of that kind of talk while he’s flying around on a dilapidated sled with reindeer that should have been put out to pasture during the Nixon administration.      

Hence this letter. I’ve spent far too long at the North Pole to have met anyone important, but judging by your recent cover stories, you know at least a few celebrities who have money to burn. Might you be able to ask them whether they’d be willing to help me upgrade my lift to something that’s a little more 21st century?

What I’d really like to do is ditch the sled and reindeer in favor of my own long-range bizliner with an extremely large baggage compartment. But if that’s asking too much, I’ll settle for a fractional jet share or jet card. After all, I really need to fly only one night per year, though a post-Christmas Caribbean jaunt sure wouldn’t hurt.

Keep in mind that I am a registered charity and I spend fully 91 percent of my funds on gifts for boys and girls–only 9 percent goes for administrative costs, polar excise tax on my annual flight and the occasional trinket for Mrs. Claus.

One last thing: I’d appreciate it if you could get me into the NBAA’s Blocked Aircraft Registration Request (BARR) program. Why go to the trouble of flying halfway around the world and stuffing myself down a chimney to surprise some kid only to discover that he’s been tracking every minute of my flight on his iPhone?

Ho, ho, ho, indeed! And is there anything you can do about user fees and the price of Jet-A?

Merry Christmas,

S. Claus

Show comments (4)

Dear Mr. Claus,

We, at Embraer Executive Jets, received your recent Request for Proposal (RFP) to replace your sleigh. We understand your frustration of having to maintain a centuries-old aircraft and having to be recertified by the Federal Aviation Administration every year. We have the solution for you.

We have been studying your global flight for years and have concluded that, in reality, you need several different aircraft for the disparate missions around the world. That is convenient since Embraer Executive Jets has the most extensive portfolio of executive jets in the industry, allowing you to go from the entry-level Phenom 100 to the ultra-large Lineage 1000. As you know it is important to have the right aircraft for the right mission.

Our aircraft come fully equipped with a mobile command center to give you your own office in the air and to ensure those last minute conversions from the naughty to nice list – or visa versa – get their due, or not, as the case may be. These systems will ensure you keep in touch with the elves at the North Pole.

On the other hand, since you indicated you would like to exchange your pilot-in-command status to that of business jet passenger, you can relax with the latest in entertainment technology including blu-ray, iPad/iPod docking, 32-inch monitors and in-seat cabin controls. Our aircraft also come equipped with a nifty moving map so you can track the status of your journey. That should satisfy the elves’ and Mrs. Claus’s complaints about you working too hard to please others.

We know NORAD keeps an eagle eye out for you each year and your worry about the kiddies tracking you on their iPhones is well placed. However, we can accommodate that by providing a cloaking device that simultaneously keeps air traffic control informed to maximize safety and the security that only business aviation can provide. That will ensure you keep the element of surprise so important on your special night.

We are sensitive to your non-profit status but you should take comfort that business aircraft are used by hundreds of non-profits and non-governmental organizations. They face the same challenges as you – accessing remote areas with challenging operating requirements. They have found, as you will, that business aviation is often the only way to get to these areas since they fly to far more airports than do commercial jets. Indeed, you might find that the efficiency of a business jet will allow you to cut the time of your global journey now that you will be taking advantage of modern jet engines and accessing many more close-in landing sites.

In fact, our Lineage 1000 and Legacy 600 and 650 are equipped to access the most demanding airports. The Lineage – a home away from home – is the only ultra-large business jet that can access Teterboro, Aspen and London City. No more long treks from the commercial airport. Our jets are also certified to serve the highest of the world’s airports including La Paz, Bolivia and Shangri La, China. This will mean you do not have to carry additional oxygen required for the current open cockpit when serving these cities.

We noted in your RFP your need for large cargo capacity and our larger jets fit the bill not only because they offer the largest baggage capacity in their respective classes but inflight accessibility. That means you no longer have to brave the discomfort of an open cockpit when flying or when gathering the gifts to go down a given chimney.

The DNA of Embraer Executive Jets is built on dispatch reliability and the ease and low-cost maintenance. That means heavy checks would not be necessary before your 2013 flight. In addition, the nearly 70 customer support and service centers will ensure no disruptions on your critical annual flight.

There is one major change you will have to make with your new Embraer Executive Jets. You will have to retire the beloved eight tiny reindeer but our sources indicate they are looking forward the rest. Rudolph, however, has informed us that he will be standing by just in case of foggy nights.

Finally, you might want to put the Legacy 500 on your Christmas list for next year. It just had its maiden flight and is the only midsize jet with fly-by-wire technology meaning your flight will be smoother and much more efficient. It promises to be a truly disruptive technology.

As you know, business aviation has been undergoing tough times in the last few years. Having someone of your stature embrace it will send a powerful message to the millions of hard workers who build business aircraft around the world. Their economic contribution to global economies is critically important.

We at Embraer Executive Jets are ready to provide the most flexible and comprehensive solutions for your needs.

Warmest Regards and Happy Holidays!
Ernie Edwards

With respect, due to the RFP's requirement for intense, albeit highly seasonal utilization, the best choice may be fractional, or a heavy duty jet card.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your very informative and helpful response to S Claus. It was brilliant in fact. I have forwarded it on to friends who will also, no doubt, admire your level of exceptional customer service. I hope some of the inflight crew from the de Havilland Dash 8-300 Qantas service between Coffs Harbour and Sydney take note. Some of them do not appear to be enjoying their job. What they don't realize, as you no doubt already have, until they work out the importance of service to others in this world they will remain in an unsatisfying state of mind - and job. Happy New Year and best wishes.

Hi Santa-
Although we all love your red sleigh and have fond nostalgic memories of your visits (except for that one year), we too at Steecon think you’re ready for an upgrade. There are so many wonderful business aircraft options out there that I’m sure you’ll have a difficult time choosing the correct plane. But when you do decide, we can help you out with a bit of privacy when you’re flying. While Hermey and the rest of your elves are busy wrapping presents in the back, you and Mrs. Claus can relax and sip hot cocoa in another part of the cabin without any interruptions. Well, we better let you get back to work. After all, there are only three days left until Christmas…
Merry Christmas!
Linda Steel

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